When the Dread Sets In

Navigating the Hardest Days After Loss

 I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.

— Maya Angelou

There are days I dread. For me, July 31 is one of them. I count the hours until it’s over.

If you’ve experienced a profound loss, you probably know what I mean. There are dates that live on in your bones: the anniversary of the death, a birthday, the day you got the phone call, or maybe the holiday that just doesn’t feel the same anymore. These are the days that quietly loom on the calendar, circled in invisible ink.

For me, it’s July 31, the day my husband Steve was shot. It was the day everything changed. And even after all this time, I still feel it creeping in days before. My body knows before my mind catches up. I find myself on edge, emotionally raw, sometimes tearful or fatigued, and then I realize: Oh. That day is coming.

In the early years, my daughters and I would leave town for that week. A change of scenery helped: breaking routine, creating new experiences, giving ourselves something else to focus on. It didn’t erase the grief, but it made it more bearable.

Now that my daughters are grown and our schedules no longer align, that tradition has faded. I’ve had to find new ways to care for myself. And here’s something I’ve come to realize, something I hear over and over from others who are grieving: The anticipation is often worse than the actual day.

In the days leading up to a tough anniversary, everything feels heavier. Emotions spike. Energy dips. Sometimes you feel like you’re unraveling and don’t know why, until you remember what’s coming.

So how do we live through these hard days when our hearts feel like they’re breaking all over again? Here’s what I’ve learned, and what I share with those I coach and walk alongside:

1. Call it what it is

You don’t have to pretend. These days are hard. They stir up memories, longing, anger, confusion, sometimes all at once. There’s power in simply naming it: This is a hard day.

2. Listen to your body

Your nervous system remembers. Grief isn’t just emotional—it’s physical. Restlessness, exhaustion, tightness in your chest, headaches, even irritability. It can all show up. Your body is not betraying you. It’s trying to protect you. Be gentle with it.

3. Change your surroundings

A simple change of scenery can shift how the day feels. Take a walk. Visit a new coffee shop. Sit by the water. Drive a different route. Even the smallest shift can interrupt the emotional spiral.

4. Let someone know

Most people in your life won’t remember these dates unless you tell them. It’s not because they don’t care; it’s just not part of their internal calendar. But that doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone. Text a friend. Call someone who knows your story. Ask them to check in. Connection helps.

5. Build in comfort

Plan something small that soothes you—a massage, a good meal, time in nature, your favorite book or a quiet evening with no obligations. Think of it as a way to hold yourself through the day.

6. Remind yourself: It’s just one day

It’s 24 hours. That’s it. You don’t need to do anything extraordinary. You don’t have to make it meaningful or productive. You just need to make it through. That’s more than enough.

7. Reflect on your strength

You’ve survived more than you thought you could. You’ve carried this grief, this memory, this love, and you’re still standing. That’s not a weakness. That’s resilience. And it’s worth acknowledging.

Grief anniversaries don’t follow the same rules as regular days. They often exist in a space that’s part sacred, part sorrowful. You don’t have to heal them, fix them or pretend they don’t matter. All you have to do is tend to yourself the best way you know how.

If you’re facing one of those days, the kind you wish you could skip, I want you to know that you are not alone. You are allowed to dread it. You are allowed to do whatever you need to get through. And you are strong enough to do just that.

I’m sending you strength, comfort and permission to make it through these days however you need to.

You’re doing better than you think.