When Love and Loss Share the Same Month

October has always been a complicated month for me. It’s the month that holds so much love, and so much loss.

Steve died in October. Our wedding anniversary is in October. And then there’s Halloween, a holiday he absolutely loved. Every year, without fail, Steve dressed up as the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. He had the character perfected, the voice, the posture, the dramatic flair. He would walk around the house booming, “Stay out of the West Wing!” while our girls giggled and ran around him. I, of course, was Belle.

Our home was filled with laughter, costumes and that unmistakable October energy—pumpkins on the porch, the smell of chili simmering on the stove, and music playing as we helped the girls with their candy hauls. Those are some of my favorite family memories.

And yet, those are also the moments that hit the hardest now. The same memories that once brought so much joy now carry the ache of what’s missing.

When Steve died, October shifted. What once felt festive and full became heavy and unpredictable. The air would turn crisp, the leaves would start to change, and suddenly I’d feel that familiar ache in my chest, grief reminding me that this was the month when everything changed.

But over the years, I’ve learned something important: the goal isn’t to avoid the hard days; it’s to learn how to move through them with grace. I don’t try to fight October anymore. Instead, I make space for it. I let it be what it is—a month full of memories, both beautiful and heartbreaking.

Here are a few ways I’ve learned to get through those hard days; maybe they’ll help you, too.

1. Acknowledge the Day

Don’t pretend it’s just another day if it isn’t. Mark it on your calendar. Name it. Speak it out loud. Sometimes simply saying “This day is hard” takes away a bit of its power. It gives you permission to feel what’s real, without apology.

2. Make a Plan, or Don’t

Some years, I plan something intentional: a walk, a dinner with family, a visit to Steve’s tree. Other years, I let the day unfold quietly. Both are okay. The key is to give yourself agency. Ask, “What do I need this year?” The answer might be solitude, or it might be connection. Trust yourself to know.

3. Let the Memories In

It’s tempting to push the memories away, especially when they hurt. But letting them in, even the bittersweet ones, can be healing. When I think of Steve as the Beast, I still smile. That silly costume, his booming voice, the laughter echoing through our home—they’re reminders that love leaves an imprint stronger than loss.

4. Create a Ritual

Rituals can help transform pain into meaning. Light a candle. Play a favorite song. Write a note to your person. Cook their favorite meal. Grief needs expression. Rituals give it shape, something you can hold onto when everything else feels unsteady.

5. Be Gentle with Yourself

Grief anniversaries and emotionally charged dates can sneak up on you. You might feel foggy, tired, irritable or sad. It’s not regression; it’s remembrance. Cancel the non-essentials. Order takeout. Take a nap. Do whatever you need to care for yourself that day. You don’t need to be productive. You just need to be you.

6. Let Love Lead

When I look back on all those Octobers, the weddings, the costumes, the laughter and the heartbreak, what stands out most isn’t the pain. It’s love. It’s the fact that love was big enough to create memories that still matter. Love is what remains, even on the hardest days.

Hard days are part of the grief landscape. But they’re also reminders of the depth of love you shared, and the strength you carry forward.

So if this month brings up a mix of emotions for you, know that you’re not alone. Feel it all. Let yourself remember. And if you need to, whisper those words, “Stay out of the West Wing.” Smile through the tears. Because even in the ache, love still lives there.