When Perfection No Longer Matters

A Widow’s Wake-Up Call

I used to be a perfectionist. Everything had to be just so, and if it wasn’t, stress would wash over me like a tidal wave. This was ingrained in me from a young age by my mother, who is the ultimate perfectionist herself (I love you, Mom, since I know you read my blogs! 😄). She always called my children angels, and her philosophy was: Never say no to a task. Whether it was baking for a school event or volunteering for yet another project, she set a high bar. And for many years, I strived to meet that standard.

Then, I became a widow.

Suddenly, the things that used to feel so important began to fall lower and lower on my priority list. If you’ve experienced loss, you’ll know how your perspective shifts in an instant. You realize how fragile and short life is, and things like being the picture-perfect room mom with elaborately themed snacks seem trivial. Case in point: I once would have spent hours crafting homemade Halloween treats. But after losing my husband, I was perfectly okay sending my daughter to school with a package of Oreos, orange filling and all, still in the store-bought package. I didn’t even deliver them myself; they went to school in her backpack, because I was at work, juggling what felt like a million pieces of my life that had been shattered overnight.

Perfection slipped through the cracks, and in its place came survival.

I became forgetful. Dinner was often takeout. My daughters, who once had their lunches packed with care every day, started packing their own. And you know what? It was okay. We were all doing our best. The important thing wasn’t having everything “just right.” It was getting through each day, together.

When my daughters realized their mom was no longer the perfectly put-together version of herself, they didn’t complain. Instead, they stepped up. We were all just trying to make it to the next day, and sometimes that meant we let go of perfection and embraced the messiness of life. There’s something profoundly freeing in realizing that perfection isn’t the goal—especially when life throws you into the deep end.

Before becoming a widow, I never really understood how much I could let go of...and still be okay. I learned that 70% effort is perfectly fine in most situations. And for the 30% that really mattered? Sure, I still gave it my all. But learning to let go of that constant need for control has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

The Illusion of Control

We think we have control over our lives, over our destinies. It’s a comforting belief. But it’s also an illusion. My husband was not supposed to die at 55. He was healthy, vibrant, and a kind soul who cared deeply for others. Yet, on August 31, 2014, the universe had other plans—plans that shattered everything I thought I knew about life and control.

Letting go of perfectionism gave me something else in return—peace. The constant stress I used to feel began to dissolve, and I found myself worrying less. My anxiety eased, and I developed techniques to help me cope with the overwhelming emotions that grief brings. I wasn’t trying to control everything anymore, and that made space for something else: calm.

Surprising Benefits of Letting Go

In letting go of my perfectionist tendencies, something unexpected happened. I began to see the world differently. I was no longer worried about how my actions would be perceived or whether I was meeting some unattainable standard. Instead, I started living more in the moment. I wasn’t as uptight (yes, I had been very uptight), and that allowed me to approach life with more curiosity and less rigidity.

And then there were the risks I began to take. Because I wasn’t afraid of making mistakes anymore, I started to try new things—meeting new people, picking up hobbies and dusting off skills I hadn’t used in years. My grief allowed me to grow in ways that a perfect, controlled life never could have.

Final Thoughts

I’ve learned so much since becoming a widow, and one of the biggest lessons has been that perfection is overrated. Life is unpredictable, and it’s in those messy, imperfect moments that we often find the most growth. If you’d like to hear more about what I’ve learned over the years, take a look at my previous blog, “Reflections of a 10-Year Widow”.

Letting go of perfectionism didn’t just change my life—it saved it.