The Day I Still Want to Forget

I have often said that everyone who has experienced a significant loss has a day they wish they could erase from the calendar.

It is not because they have forgotten what happened. It is because they remember every detail.

For me, that day is July 31.

This year marks twelve years since Steve was shot at work. Even after all this time, it remains the hardest day of the year for me. As much as I wish I could ignore it, my body seems to know it is coming long before I consciously acknowledge the date. I find myself feeling more emotional, more restless or simply ‘off’ without immediately understanding why. Then I look at the calendar and realize what is approaching.

Grief has a way of living in both our hearts and our bodies. Even when we are moving forward with life, certain dates can quietly awaken memories we never invited back.

When my daughters were younger, we made a tradition of leaving town every July 31. We did not travel because we were trying to outrun our grief. We traveled because being somewhere different gave us room to breathe. It removed us from the places where every street corner, every building and every familiar routine reminded us of the day our lives changed forever. We could never escape what happened, but we could create a different backdrop for one of the hardest days of the year.

Today, life looks very different. My daughters are grown and living in different cities. We no longer have the opportunity to simply pack our bags and leave together. Instead, each of us carries this day in our own way, wherever we happen to be. Although our lives have expanded in beautiful ways over the past twelve years, July 31 still finds each of us.

That is something I wish more people understood about grief. The most difficult day is not always the funeral or the first holiday. Sometimes it is a date that quietly returns year after year, reminding you of the moment everything changed. While the rest of the world sees an ordinary summer day, you are carrying memories that no one else can see.

Every grieving person has their own version of that day. It may be the day a spouse died, the day of a cancer diagnosis, the day of an accident, the day a child was born and lost, or the day life took a turn that could never be undone. These dates become part of us. We do not choose them, but we live with them.

If someone you care about has experienced a significant loss, take a moment to remember the dates that matter. You do not need to have the perfect words. A simple text that says “Thinking of you today” lets someone know they are not carrying the weight of that day alone. It tells them their loss has not been forgotten, even if many years have passed.

Twelve years later, I still wish July 31 had never happened. I suspect there will always be a part of me that does. At the same time, I know I have built a meaningful life around the loss. Those two truths can exist together. Healing does not erase the hardest days. It teaches us how to carry them with a little more grace.

If you have a day you still wish you could forget, I hope you will be gentle with yourself when it arrives. There is no timeline for these dates. There is only the quiet reminder that love leaves an imprint, and so does loss.