Family Weekend Looks Different Now

This weekend, my mom and I are headed to Family Weekend at my youngest daughter’s college. My mom, aka Nana Jan, has been part of every Family Weekend for my girls. I am so thankful she has such an important place in their lives and in mine.

Let’s be honest, going to Family Weekend without a spouse sucks. It is one of those places where it can feel especially obvious that you are there without your person. I see other moms and dads arriving together, taking their kids to dinner, meeting their friends and enjoying the weekend together. I wish Steve were there doing all of that with me. I wish he could see our youngest daughter at college and experience this stage of her life.

But I am also really lucky because I have my mom.

Nana Jan has become a Family Weekend regular. She arrives with her homemade cookies for the sorority house and is welcomed with open arms. She knows my daughters’ friends, wants to see where they live and is happy to be part of whatever we are doing. I love watching how excited everyone is to see her, although I am pretty sure the cookies help!

After Steve died, I don’t think I spent much time thinking about who would come with me to things like Family Weekend someday. My girls were 15, 12 and 9. We were just trying to figure out our new life. But over the years, there have been so many events where I have wished Steve was there. School events, graduations, college move-ins, birthdays and now Family Weekends.

No one can replace him at those events. I don’t want anyone to. But I have become much more aware of and grateful for the people who have continued to show up for us.

My mom is a big one.

She hasn’t tried to take Steve’s place. She has simply been Nana Jan. She has loved my girls, supported them, celebrated them and been present for so many important moments in their lives. As my daughters have become adults, I appreciate that relationship even more.

I think this is something we don’t talk about very much after loss. We spend a lot of time talking about the people who disappear, and that certainly happens. But what about the people who stay? Or the people who step up in ways we didn’t expect?

Maybe it is a parent, sibling, friend, neighbor or another family member. They can’t make your spouse’s absence go away, but having someone beside you can make some of these moments a little easier.

I have also had to learn to let people do that for me. When you have been widowed for a long time, you get pretty good at doing things on your own. I know I can go to Family Weekend by myself. I can take my daughter to dinner, meet her friends and navigate the weekend alone. I have done plenty of things alone that I never expected to do without Steve.

But being able to do something alone doesn’t mean I have to.

So this weekend I will still wish Steve were there. I will probably look at some of the other parents and think about what it would have been like to have him beside me. That part hasn’t gone away.

But I will also be really thankful that Nana Jan is there. I will watch her walk into the sorority house with her cookies and be greeted by girls who are genuinely happy to see her. I will watch her spend time with her granddaughter and be part of another Family Weekend.

It isn’t the family weekend I would have chosen.

But I am really grateful for the family that continues to show up.